Living and Dying

I found out recently that I have thyroid cancer. It turns out that it's a type that can usually be cured relatively easily, but for awhile there was reason to believe that I might have a more dangerous kind. The more dangerous kind (called anaplastic) will kill you in a few months.

I have always felt that I want to keep on living, a long time if possible, but I have never before had to face such a strong possibility that I might not. The experience made it very clear to me that I most assuredly do not want to die anytime soon. I am not one of those people (if there are such people) who will look at my life and say that I have been lucky (although I have) and go peacefully.

This made me think about why this is so; what is it that makes me so unwilling to call it good and accept that the end is inevitable? OK, biology obviously. But beyond that, I have a sense of unfinished business, things I still want to do. When I thought about things I would leave behind, I realized which ones bothered me the most:

• I want to see my kids grow up. This is for their sake as well as mine; I can't help but feel they are better off with me around. For me, raising the boys is the biggest project of my life, and I want to see it through and see how it turns out.
• I don't want to leave my wife behind, again for her sake as well as mine. I suspect she would be fine in time, but meanwhile raising the kids alone would be tough.
• I want to experience retirement. Almost all of my adult life I have worked, taking a week or two of vacation every year. When I was younger, I took some trips to Europe that lasted longer, up to three months. I did that then because I felt that I might not get another chance for a long time. I was right; the last one was 27 years ago. Jackie and I have plans.

Beyond those big things, I realized more than ever that I like my life. I like video games, conversations with friends, eating, movies, the Mariners, books, music, the outdoors, hiking, weekends, vacations, long drives, new places, restaurants, solving puzzles, political websites, doing nothing, and spending time with my family. Life is fun, and I'm not ready to stop having fun yet.