Star Wars II: I Don't Like Sand

Seriously, I don't like the stuff

This one is clearly the worst of the Star Wars nine episodes. Parts of it are OK, even good, but some of it is excruciating.

The first three episodes are the story of Obi-Wan, but as I mentioned in my post about Episode One, these films tell two major backstories in the Star Wars saga: how Senator Palpatine became Emperor and leader of the evil Republic, and how Anakin became the ultra-evil Darth Vader, and this film mostly follows those two tracks: Obi-Wan chases down a clone army, and Anakin begins his fall toward darkness by falling in love with, and marrying, Padme.

Obi-Wan's part of the story works well, as he follows a lead to a remote planet where he discovers that a clone army has been constructed for the Republic, unbeknownst to the Jedi Council or the Republic Senate. After a skirmish or two, he is captured, and when Anakin and Padme come to rescue him, all three are prepared for execution in a large arena, complete with a large crowd of spectators and big, nasty monsters. Of course, the execution does not go quite as planned, and when a whole bunch of Jedis show up, there is a big battle in the arena that is the high point of the movie.

Sadly, there are lower points. First, we begin to see that the reasons that Anakin, who seems like a perfectly happy and friendly kid, becomes one of the great movie villains of all time are that he is a pouty teenager and he is in love with Padme and wants to be with her, even though Jedis don't really partake in distractions like wives or girlfriends. The thing is, when we see a character go from normal kid to mass murderer on a galactic scale and embodiment of evil, moody teenager in love just does not feel like enough motivation. Good God, we would all be potential Hitlers if that were all it takes.

Also, the love affair between Padme and Anakin feels rushed and poorly explained and maybe a bit creepy. When they meet in Episode I, Padme and Anakin clearly see something in each other, but she is in her twenties, maybe, and he appears to be about eight or less. The spark between them ten-ish years later when they meet again (and she is presumably still more than a decade older) is a very different kind of affection, and it cannot be explained by their earlier encounter.

So to explain this great attraction, we get a conversation about sand and a scene with land-blimp animals bouncing around in a field, and we laugh and shake our heads when we are meant to be appreciating how deeply these two feel for each other. It doesn't work, and at times it's bad enough to make you cringe.

In the end, half a good movie plus half a really bad one is not the worst experience ever, but for the Star Wars franchise, it's a disappointment. The disappointment will spill over into the next movie somewhat, but the failure of the Darth Vader storyline starts here, and this one earns the Worst of the Nine Episodes designation.